Best "Oops!" Moments from Horror Movies [with links]

Best "Oops!" Moments from Horror Movies - July, 2012

Whatever that means...

1. Psycho (1960): When Norman Bates is sinking Marion Crane's car into the lagoon, it snags for a few seconds halfway down. Norman's panicked expression (at 1:08 of this clip) is priceless.

2. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974): At 4:30 of this clip, Leatherface's family tries to give Grandpa the honor of making a kill for old time's sake, but he's so old that he can't even hold up the hammer. 

3. Carrie (1976): At 6:00 of this clip, Sue, the only survivor of Carrie's prom night massacre, appears sympathetic to Carrie's mental snap only to get a surprise of her own. Eh, but it was only a dream. Go ahead and watch the whole clip for Piper Laurie's orgasmic (if not biblical) death.

4. Friday the 13th (1980): Another surprise ending when all seems so peaceful. And the only real close-up of Jason you'll ever get.

5. Night of the Living Dead (1968): What a shame. After a night of zombie apocalyptic horror, help is finally on the way for the heroic Ben. Except that the help mistakes him for a zombie and shoots him in the head. Damn the white man. Start this clip at 3:00.

6. Pet Sematary (1989): Desperation at its finest. After all that has happened, Louis still hasn't learned his lesson and decides to bring his wife back from the dead. Sure, they kiss a little, exchange some guts, but she kills him anyway. Dumbass.

7. The Ring (2002): Naomi Watts just can't get it right. Just when she thinks she's clear by freeing the creepy little ring girl, her precocious son (who somehow knows all the answers) informs her that that was a stupid move (at 2:20 of this clip).

Things I Have Learned from Dating Lesbians

Things I Have Learned from Dating Lesbians - July, 2012

1. Lesbians are all friends with their exes.

2. There is only one excuse for not wanting to have sex and that is "I'm too tired tonight."  Any other reason is the WRONG ANSWER.

3. Dildos are expensive.

4. Bitches be crazy.

5. After sleeping with someone for the first time, the best indication that she's into you is if she wants to do brunch the next morning.  Conversely, comments like, "I'm not sure what's going on between me and my ex" or "I don't believe in monogamy" are red flags.

6. Lesbians love to do brunch.

7. Lesbians love to cuddle.

8. Some exes just never go away.

9. Lesbians are all connected somehow.

10. ...Bitches be crazy.

Reasons I Will Not Be Attending NYC Pride This Year

Reasons I Will Not Be Attending NYC Pride This Year - May, 2012

1. I don't feel like wrangling and pretending to be buddies with the queers I really only see once a year at Pride.

2. I have only ever experienced one great Pride and that was not in NYC.

3. There is a 99.6% chance that I'll run into someone I don't want to see and a 85.2% chance that I'll run into more than one person I don't want to see.

4. I don't handle day drinking very well anymore.

5. It's hot, it's crowded, and modestly clean bathrooms are non-existent.

6. I usually end up having to pee behind a car because modestly clean bathrooms are non-existent.

7. I don't want to be dragged into wingman'ing the sale of unattractive Thai pants again this year.

8. It's really only fun if you have someone to make out with in front of the Jesus freaks.

9. Something unexpected and unfortunate always happens to someone in my party:

  EXHIBIT A (2009): Kidney stones and subsequent bureaucratic battle with St. Vincent's.

  EXHIBIT B (2010): Mild heat stroke on the Hudson River.

  EXHIBIT C (2011): Five-story drop (and disappearance) of the perfect blunt.

Songs That Sound Similar [with links]

Songs That Sound Similar - April, 2012-Ongoing

1. "Under Pressure" by Queen VS "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
*Similarities: Bass beat. We've all heard about the lawsuit.

2. "Brown-Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison VS "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People
*Similarities: Bass guitar melody.

3. "American Girl" by Tom Petty VS "Last Nite" by The Strokes
*Similarities: Drums (especially the intro).

4. "Wait Another Day" by Uh Huh Her VS "Dancing On My Own" by Robyn
*Similarities: Synthesizer.

5. "Trampled Under Foot" by Led Zeppelin VS "Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand
*Similarities: Lead guitar in the chorus.

People I've Corrupted with Drugs

People I've Corrupted with Drugs - May, 2012

Interpret that as you will.

-SN (2002)
-JH (2002)
-KH (2002)
-RV (2004)
-MD (2005)
-LA (2005)
-MF (2005)
-KS (2005)
-KM (2006)
-JG (2012)

Very Different Movies with the Same Title [with links]

Very Different Movies with the Same Title - May, 2012

*Many of which are documentaries or Hitchcock films.

1. Saving Face: 2004 Lesbian-themed RomCom VS 2012 Documentary about Acid Victims in Pakistan

2. Bully: 2001 Teen Thriller Based on a True Story VS 2011 Documentary About Bullying in America

3. Spellbound: 1945 Hitchcock Psychological Mystery VS 2002 Documentary about Spelling Bee Contestants

4. Notorious: 1946 Hitchcock Espionage Thriller VS 2009 Biopic of Notorious B.I.G.

5. The Ring: 1927 Hitchcock Boxing Drama VS 2002 Horror Re-Make of the Japanese Ringu

6. The Trip: 1967 Peter Fonda Psychedlic Tour de Force VS 2010 British Romp

7. Mr. and Mrs. Smith: 1941 Hitchcock's Only Comedy VS 2005 Brangelina Flop 

Lesbro Slang

Lesbro Slang - May, 2012

Lesbro: (n) Lesbian-Bro; best lesbian bud.

Homeo: (n) Homo-Romeo; a (gay) suave romantic.

Sparrow: (n) Straight-as-a-Perfect-Arrow; an attractive, obviously straight female.

Twat Block: (v) To block twat action.

Dyke Alikes: (n) Two lesbians in a couple who look/dress alike.

Gayby: (plural Gaybies) (n) 1. A baby of a gay couple; 2. A freshly outted gay.

Blue Lips: (n) The female manifestation of blue balls.

Gaydar: (n) Gay-Radar; the ability to detect gays.

Gaycist: (adj) Homophobic; hateful towards gays. © Kate Moran, 2012.

Gaysian: (n; adj) A gay Asian.

Gaytto: (n; adj) A gay ghetto person.

Fag Hag: (n) A straight female who has a lot of gay male friends.

Dyke Tyke: (n) A child of a lesbian couple.

Best TV Show Openings [with some links]

Best TV Show Openings - March, 2012

Malcolm in the Middle:
*Grr, Fox took down the YouTube link.

Duck Tales:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMU2NwaaXEA

The Cosby Show:
*Season 4 is the best in my opinion, but really all of them are good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxch2td-uNA

Raising Hope:
*Grr, Fox took down the YouTube link.

The X-Files:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdmtY0vux30

The Simpsons:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DX1iplQQJTo

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5-RPp_j2Jk&feature=related

American Horror Story:
*Grr, Fox took down the YouTube link.

Hey Arnold!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKL1ffelnNk

Daria:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAURJvawm-0

United States of Tara:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivFAuqpeaz4&ob=av3n

Cheers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KtAgAMzaeg

The Brady Bunch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou-FeOoKDq4

Doug:
*Eek, no link.

Three's Company:
*Again, couldn't find a link.

Gilligan's Island:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfR7qxtgCgY

Fresh Prince of Bel Air:
*Full version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ1NA7Mgzgw


*Honorable Mentions:

Beverly Hills, 90210:
*They invented the dramatic shoulder turn now seen in many teen soap operas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyS_o6lqKS0

Saved By The Bell:
*I couldn't find the opening, so here's the most memorable scene of the whole series: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljtuGoIIKGs

Buffy The Vampire Slayer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmoU05_Fr5A

Rocko's Modern Life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HmEGRVUcR0

Weeds:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVyVp0qMpOk

The L Word:
*I just had to throw it in there, but you must admit that it's kind of cool: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzKqqyYKaEc&noredirect=1

Good Songs That Are Actually Kind of Fucked Up

Good Songs That Are Actually Kind of Fucked Up [with lyrical examples] – January, 2012

Excluding rap/hip hop songs because that would be too easy…

1. “Love The One You’re With” by Crosby, Stills, and Nash: “And if you can't be with the one you love, honey, Love the one you're with”

2. “I’ll Be Watching You” by Sting: The whole song

3. “Radio” by Alkaline Trio: “I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you, plugged in and ready to fall”

4. “Lola” by The Kinks: “Well I'm not the world's most masculine man, But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man, And so is Lola”

5. “Rape Me” by Nirvana: The whole song

6. “Hotel California” by The Eagles: “You can checkout any time you like, But you can never leave”

7. "Hey Joe" by Jimi Hendrix: "I'm goin' down to shoot my ol' lady, I caught her messin' 'round with another man"

8. "You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You" by Dean Martin: "You're nobody 'til somebody cares"


9. "The Leader of the Pack" by The Shangri-Las: The whole song


10. "Last Kiss" by J. Frank Wilson: "Oh where oh where can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me"

11. "Jimmy Dean" by Hunter Valentine: "I don't want to make love, I want to fuck with no feeling"

Celebrities I've Spotted

Celebrities I've Spotted - February, 2012

In NYC:

Liv Tyler (going into a baby shop in Chelsea)

Ally Sheedy (on the subway)

Rhea Perlman (on the street near NYU)

Mario Batali (at a dog park)

Famke Janssen (at the Washington Square dog run)

Scott Adsit (twice: on the subway platform & on Coney Island)

Maulik Pancholy (on the subway platform)

Kardashian sisters + Baby Daddy (at Juliet Supperclub, where Baby Daddy knocked me over in a staged fight for the cameras)

Chris Hemsworth (outside the Mandarin Hotel)

Natasha Leon (at a gluten free pizza place near NYU)

Mike Ruiz (at JFK Airport)

Sara Quin (twice, both times on the L train)

The Olsen Twins (in a building on Greenwich St.)

Charles Barkley (at Faces & Names Bar in Midtown West)

Josh Groban (at the premiere for the show I work on)

Larry David (on the street on the Upper West Side)

Steven Spielberg (getting into an SUV outside of an event at Juilliard)

Lucy Liu (in a Victoria's Secret in Midtown)

Morgan Spurlock (in elevator at MTV)

Willem Dafoe (on the street in the West Village)

Jesse Eisenberg (in the 14th St. 1/2/3 subway station)

Outside NYC:

Michael McDonald (at LAX Airport)

Michael McKean (at a Starbucks in San Francisco)

Annette Bening (on an airplane, in economy class no less)

Larry Miller (at LAX Airport)


At Events:

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (at a screening of Moneyball)

Brett Ratner (at a screening of Moneyball; he's a total ass by the way)

Chelsea Handler (at a book signing for Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang)

Jonathan Safran Foer (at a book signing for Eating Animals)

Jason Giambi (at an autograph event for the Oakland A's)

Songs I Absolutely Love

Songs I Absolutely Love - February, 2012

"Watch Me Bleed" by Tears For Fears

"Mad World" by Tears For Fears

"Since I've Been Lovin' You" by Led Zeppelin

"Moonlight Serenade" by Glenn Miller Orchestra

"Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven

"Wild World" by Cat Stevens

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana

"Spiders" by System of a Down

"All Over the World" by The Pixies

"Let's Go To Bed" by The Cure

"Born to Be Bad" by The Runaways

"What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

"What a Wonderful World" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

"Summertime" by Janis Joplin

"I'm a Playa" by Tech N9ne

"Stairway to Heaven" by Unknown reggae artist version*

 

*To my millions of readers out there: If you can tell me who this artist is, I will give you a cookie; it's not Bob Marley or Vegemite Reggae and it's not on YouTube anywhere.
 

MILF's

MILF's - February, 2012

Phylicia Rashad from The Cosby Show ("Clair Huxtable")

Patricia Richardson from Home Improvement ("Jill Taylor")

Mary-Louise Parker from Weeds ("Nancy Botwin")

Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls ("Lorelai Gilmore")

Tanya Roberts from That 70's Show ("Midge Pinciotti")

Julie Bowen from Modern Family ("Claire Dunphy")

Sofia Vergara from Modern Family ("Gloria Pritchett")

Unofficial Rules for the Subway That Should Be Official

Unofficial Rules for the Subway That Should Be Official – January, 2012

Like many New Yorkers, the subway experience is a constant source of frustration in my life.  Here are some ideas that would make things easier.  In my ideal world... 

1. No leaning on poles, especially when there are people trying to hold on to said pole, asshole.

2. When boarding a car, let the people out before going in.  Duh.

3. If you’re standing next to the doors of a crowded car, step out of the car to let people out.

4. Move all the way in to the train and fill the empty space in the middle.

5. The standing spots next to the doors are first come, first served.  Passengers trying to squeeze in cannot take the side spots next to the doors if they are already taken.  Also, if you are sitting next to one of these spots, your arm must remain within the side bars.

6. Take off your backpack on a crowded train.  It's only fair that you will otherwise be pick-pocketed.

7. When sitting, your legs must not spread wider than your shoulder width.  Also, don’t be a douchebag and take up more than one seat.

8. Don’t hold the doors open.  It slows everything down.

9. No littering on the tracks or on the train.  Most platforms have trashcans every 30 feet or so.  Just put it in the damn trashcan.

10. Wait until the train has stopped to stand up and move toward the door, especially when there are people trying to hold on to the pole above you.  This means you, bitchy old white lady, who insists on making me let go so you can save 2 seconds of getting off.

11. During rush hour, if you are the first person to reach the stairs, you must haul ass up the steps.  Conversely, if you are slow, injured, or carrying a stroller, you must wait to the side until the faster people have passed.

12. When you get to the top or bottom of the stairs, move out of the fucking way.